The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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