This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
