News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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