Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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