I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
