His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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