So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize