You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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