If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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