my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
