I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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