I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
