either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
