He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize