Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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