dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
