I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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