She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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