sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
