She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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