you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Randomize
