You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
