He disabled his match.com account in front of me
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
