I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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