Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize