I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
