Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
