It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
