i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Green mimosas i think yes
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
