How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
