We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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