Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
