U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
