you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
