i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize