I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
