Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
