the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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