Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
