Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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