textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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