What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
