there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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