i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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