i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Pants are for mortals
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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