The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
