TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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