i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
