I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
