Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
