youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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