can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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