he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize