my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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