She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
