go do what you do best...puke behind churches
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
