the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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