oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
