a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
