we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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