Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Dignity is for republicans.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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