No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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