Your mouth is God's brothel.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
