it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
