So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
