Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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