Your mouth is God's brothel.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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