I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
