i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
