Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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