I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
